Read an author’s commentary on the lyrics of Youth on the Bedlam Six website
Mother
I crumpled up the creeds of Man
And ran out into the rain
Where I mourned for my lost virtue
But mourned more for what remained.
I’d give my grief to God
But I’m just too proud to pray.
Mother, why did you raise me this way?
I’m the busted bulb in your lighthouse
I’m your guilt dashed on the cliff.
I read about perpetuity:
I hope it’s just a myth.
Some people talk of progress
But all I see is decay.
Mother, why did you raise me this way?
I pin my hopes on the future
Like martyrs to a tree
But they haven’t yet built the religion that can hold me.
I hear tomorrow will be better,
I heard the same thing yesterday.
Mother, why did you raise me this way?
Each night I go to sleep
The way a Christian goes to lions.
God can take my body,
I’m leaving my soul to science.
I’m sure He had a plan in Man
But something’s gone agley.
Mother, why did you raise me this way?
There’s a stranger in this mirror,
Or is it just stained glass?
I’ve changed my face so many times
But I wish I could change the past.
There are more epithets than cigarettes
Stubbed out in my ashtray.
Mother, why did you raise me this way?
I’m a gentleman, a charlatan,
A pledge from a poison pen.
I lately made a big mistake:
Told the truth and sounded fake.
My friends are all long gone,
There’s none left to betray.
Mother, why did you raise me this way?
I keep my guardian angel close
But always gagged and bound.
Can someone please let me know
The way off this misery-go-round?
I long to see the spin on me
In St Peter’s Dossier.
Mother, why did you raise me this way?
I’m told there’ll be no jobs until somebody dies
But you know a salary is is just another term
For “consolation prize”
So I’m plodding through Perdition
Like some latter day Dante.
Mother, why did you raise me this way?
Now I’ve told you all my thoughts
But I still haven’t seen that penny,
You ask if there were bad times:
Yeah… MANY
I long to say I love you
But it’s such a damned cliche.
Mother, why did you raise me this way?
***
I Want To Know More
We both know love always comes with conditions
Collusions and collisions
Unplanned revisions
And small print
Darling we’re no different
It’s you and me or you and someone else
Between the womb and the tomb
There’s not a lot of room
To be the people we want to be
And now I’m all rage
I’ve forgotten how to act my age
Everything is slipping away from me
Baby I am the man you’re holding on to right now
But tell me who is the man you’re holding on for?
I want to know more.
Joking apart
Don’t you dare enjoy the start
We need to save our smiles for the happy ending
I’ve put myself through hell
But these thoughts won’t think themselves
And I’m wondering if you’re just pretending
Now my inner child is watching
So I’ve put him up for adoption
Because I suspect he’s up to something really bad
And you still give me chills
You’ve got me hooked through the gills
But love never stopped anyone feeling sad
Baby I am the man you’re holding on to right now
But tell me who is the man you’re holding on for?
I want to know more.
It’s just the echo of a memory
Of a shadow of a regret
And the regrets are all for things
I haven’t even done yet
I’m just a privileged boy
Battling for his right to a little misery
Wishing you were kissing me
And wishing it meant more
I am the man you’re holding on to right now
But who is the man you’re holding on for?
I want to know more.
***
Tonight
You had me packed like an artefact in the cotton of your ambition
But there was something in my condition
That made me long for a little more.
You had me squeezed for at least the last two years of marriage
But some mistaken adage made you blind to what was in store.
I’ll be waiting up when you get home tonight.
I made a cat-flap for my jealousy so it could roam where it wanted.
It had a sorry tail that it flaunted
But every night it would come home
(Unlike you).
But I made do
With those slivers of deceit,
Those tributes left at my feet
For which your conscience will atone.
I’ll be waiting up when you get home
Tonight.
Now I’m fraught and overwrought
Like a bird among the rafters,
But it’s not laughter that I’m after,
Just a grim and knowing sneer.
As for you:
When I’m through
You’ll be sore down to your ligaments.
I’ve known no love without disfigurement,
I’ve known no fondness without fear.
I’ll be waiting up when you get home tonight.
I’ll be waiting for you
I’ll be waiting for you
I’ll be waiting for you
Tonight.
***
The Debtor’s Wife
It began with a gift
But died with a debt
And if redemption’s on the cards
Well it hasn’t happened yet.
He said if you need anything from me
All you got to do is ask,
But he wore that sincerity
Like a halloween mask.
I owe, I owe
I owe so many folk
I’ve got nowhere to go.
I owe, I owe
Won’t nobody help me get out of this hole?
His words were sweet as honey
But that honey attracted flies.
I knew he never meant to really love me
He just wanted to synchronize.
I said beware the things you sow
Because one day you’ve got to reap them.
He said what’s the use in making promises darling?
You’ve only got to keep them.
I owe, I owe
I owe so many folk
I’ve got nowhere to go.
I owe, I owe
Won’t nobody help me get out of this hole?
Each morning he’d fall through my door,
All frail foul and thin,
Beauty may be all around us but there’s certainly nothing good within him.
I know a gambler’s got no ties,
Just a suitcase and a trunk,
But I soon came to realize that there were more days behind us than in front.
I owe, I owe
I owe so many folk
I’ve got nowhere to go.
I owe, I owe
Won’t nobody help me get out of this hole?
Now the stitching has frayed and all the cupboard’s are bare,
He’s got his head in his hands but he’s lost the luxury of despair.
It’s true I ain’t possessive and it’s true I don’t need wealth,
But if he wants to be a martyr now
I’ll hammer the nails myself
I owe, I owe
I owe so many folk
I’ve got nowhere to go.
I owe, I owe
Won’t nobody help me get out of this hole?
***
It Hurts So Much To Hold
It seems to me like you’ve got some plans up your sleeves,
But I’ll be damned if all those little things don’t come to call again,
Demand to be let in,
Haunt us all now and then.
Hate wears a harness of hope,
Round its ears, round its eyes, round its throat.
It feeds on what we know
But spits it all back out,
It hurts so much to hold
But I ain’t about to let go now.
Our love was like an island but an island with no shore,
You kept passing me those apples but all I ever get is the core.
Some day you’re going to go,
But don’t desert me now.
It hurts so much to hold
But I ain’t about to let go now.
If there’s one thing I know it’s that the heart will drive you mad,
Just look at all the happy endings wandering round looking so sad:
They’re waiting down below
For love to dig them out.
It hurts so much to hold
But I ain’t about to let go now.
A slave to the age sold us a lie
With a cold and craven chorus congregated close behind.
The song started low but ended very loud:
It hurts so much to hold
But we ain’t about to let go now.
***
Waiting For Bad News
I’m waiting for bad news to come
Sat here on my own
I know which way it’s coming from
I’ve left every single light on
And the doors wide open
Just hoping
For bad news to come
I’m waiting for bad news to come
My toes frozen numb
Teeth bared to the gums
Some things will always go wrong
But some go nowhere
I don’t care
Here waiting for bad news to come
I’m waiting for bad news to come
For someday or someone
To somehow be begun
It’s all new here yet nothing seems young
And everything wrong
How I long for bad news to come
I just wanted you to want me darling
I just wanted you to want me darling
I just wanted you to want me darling
What did you have to go and need me for?
Waiting for bad news to come
Dismantling the hours as they roll on and on
Pondering the deeds left undone
The words spoken but not sung
Waiting for bad news to come
There’s more grey in your eyes
Than there is in your hair
There’s plenty of time
I just don’t know where
I guess it had to be you
But did it have to be now
And did it have to be here
When bad news is coming round?
I just wanted you to want me darling…
Bad news sits outside
And taps on the glass
It says be true to my memory
Don’t be true to my past
For as the poetry of adolescence
Becomes the bullet points of adulthood
There are no signposts, just suggestions
And none of them any good
So we wake without desire
And turn our collars up to the rain
Bad news seems better than always staying the same
But the light keeps on fading
And I grow tired of explaining
So I’m waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting
I just wanted you to want me darling…
***
You’re On Your Own Now
I was never a lonely child
One is never alone with guilt
But I’ve delighted in the debris
Of all the things I’ve ever built
I’ve seen that every blossom
Will some day come to wilt
So what’s the sense
In us all getting so upset?
Because stories are the only things
That get smaller as they unfold
So many are sung
About those who die young
Not those of us getting old
And though you don’t need
To believe
Every tale you’re told
My boy here’s one I guarantee
You won’t forget
You’re on your own now
You’re on your own now
You’re on your own now
And all you own is worth nothing to me
The tragedy is that you can’t end it all
You can only end yourself
But if things start getting bad
Well at least you’ve got your health
And if you don’t let your imagination
Run away with you
It might run away with someone else
And you’re going to need it where you’re going kid
You’re on your own now…
So son take my advice
Don’t wait your turn and don’t play nice
Leave the sugar and take the spice
Always keep your prayers concise
And don’t waste your time worrying
About who’s getting the biggest slice
Just take the entire cake
And run
You’re on your own now…
Quit waving your arms in an empty world
And saving your breath for a joke that’s been told
Spare me your epilogue
And spare me your fears
When the lack screams out
It’ll ring long in your ears
You’re on your own.
***
I Ain’t Done
Where have all my old friends gone?
Where did they hide when our twenties were spent?
Cos I ain’t done being young
No I ain’t done with that yet
I don’t care if they all think I’m wrong
I don’t care what other people say
Cos I ain’t done being young
Today is not that day
Centuries turn but Fate tends to twist
Forget the hand of time
Worry more about its fists
Cos its dice are all loaded
And I ain’t hedging no bets
I ain’t done
I ain’t done being young just yet
I ain’t done with the doing
I won’t turn out the light
I will not go gentle into that good night
My rack it ain’t ruined
My race it ain’t run
I ain’t done I ain’t done I ain’t done.
Beware of that happy little bubble you’ve bought
A safety net is like any other net
When you are caught
And though I know
Every deed has a debt
I ain’t done being young just yet
[instrumental]
No one yearns for Summer
Until they’ve felt the chill
And every guilty pleasure
Depends mostly on the Guilt
So we pass the time
Between us like a bomb
Screaming I ain’t done
I ain’t done being young
I ain’t done with potential
And I don’t care who agrees
Cos I ain’t ready to start living my death by degrees
My tide it ain’t stemmed
And my spin it ain’t spun
I ain’t done I ain’t done I ain’t done
Maybe I wanted kids of my own
Maybe that’s a thing I regret
But I ain’t done being young
No I ain’t done with that yet
So smother your sympathies
And reign in your remorse
Don’t talk to me of “middle age”
Call it “the main course”
Lovers settle down
Gamblers settle up
I ain’t done being young
So I’ll be damned if I’m going to stop
[instrumental]
I ain’t done with the folly
I ain’t done with the fight
I feel tall as a story
And broad as daylight
So unsheath the daggers
And unfurl the cloaks
And save me a seat
In a hell that’s well stoked
Tend to the weeds that grow round your thoughts
Fasten the tight ropes and pull them taut
Set us a course for where the sun never sets
Cos I ain’t done being young
I ain’t done being young
I ain’t done I ain’t done I ain’t done
Being young
Just yet.
***
Year Of The Bitch
Next year is the year of the bitch.
No one will get lucky and no one will get rich
And we’ll be telling lies when we say we don’t know why
We all talk about this world as if it’s all in bits.
Next year is the year of the bitch.
The panicking will peak at a piercing pitch
And everyone will hate
And obsess about their weight
And waste away in want for the things that they once ditched.
Where were you when we changed our minds,
Put our ideals on ice and our hearts into brine?
Where were you
When we fell?
Next year is the year of the bitch.
We’ll package up our lives and take them to the tips
And sit back in our chairs,
Assuming fancy airs,
As it all falls round our ears drip by drip.
People all just stood around watering their lawns as the cities fell down;
I could barely make out the time
As the air turned to ash and the sea to slime.
Where were you when we changed our minds,
Put our ideals on ice and our hearts into brine?
Where were you
When we fell?
Next year is the year of the bitch.
We’ll swallow all their lies like hungry little chicks,
Every consonant and vowel:
Wretched, rank and foul,
We’ll cling to every word like tiny little ticks.
Where were you when we changed our minds,
Put our ideals on ice and our hearts in brine?
Where were you when we fell?
Where were you when we lost ourselves?
Where were you?
***
Low
I was just a child in the drama of the big bad world,
A sorry silhouette in the smoke as it curled,
Existing on the edge of some great idea,
Trying to find my way but the way wasn’t clear.
I was wearing my thoughts like a new tattoo,
Acting like a leper and thinking of you
Because the rage withered in me when you took me in,
I’d been running against Love without wanting to win.
I’ve been crushing all the crawling things
Creeping around the hole
And now they’re only creeping below.
I was swallowed by the spectre of a long slain spite
That gnawed upon my nerves with a savage appetite,
It stripped away the structure of our pretty pretense,
You know we never should’ve had the right
To so much innocence.
Crushing all the crawling things
Creeping around the hole,
Now they’re only creeping below.
Everybody’s acting like they’re born again,
Like I’m the very last of a pagan strain.
So I’ve been digging in the dirt for something decent to say,
Trying to think about “the now” while trapped in the everyday.
Crushing all the crawling things
Creeping around the hole,
Now they’re only creeping below.
I want to know who would want me to feel this cheap
I want to know why the road stretching out is so steep
I want to know what could cause this wretched malaise
I want to know where your God goes on His holidays
Crushing all the crawling things
Creeping around the hole
Now they’re only creeping below.
And like a hound full of fleas
Sinking down in the sea,
I’m drowning in all this Love
And I hope you drown with me.
These nightmares don’t cause me no grief,
I don’t wish away visions that make real life a relief.
Though I’m certain this circus must end,
Don’t you dare tell me when.
You wanted a rose but I gave you a thistle,
Every day I shave close but you still make me bristle,
If you need anything just give a little whistle,
You know how to whistle don’t you?
So we’re popping the tics and we’re stoning the crows,
We’re down in the Styx and it’s your turn to row,
We’re crushing the crawling things
Creeping below.
Now we’re creeping below
***
All That’s In Between
The book of my life may be second hand
But you may still find a few petals
Pressed between its pages.
I’ll give you all the ellipses and ampersands
If you just save your etceteras for me.
I knew you were crying in the next room
But I feigned a deafness
To the patter of those tears.
I tried to find inspiration in a vacuum
But I lacked the provision of years.
Our lives were elsewhere and we knew it,
So with a sundial for a compass
We turned away from the light.
But between opening that door
And walking through it
The roads all receded from sight.
And I know
I’m not all that you wanted
But I’ll be all that you need
For the day, the night
And everything in between.
I will never feel easy in this skin
So I will only accept happiness
When there is nothing left to long for.
I’ve no time for the times we are living in
They are just a tourniquet
For glory days gone before.
I hear regrets are always the last to leave
As we move further away
From the memories that define us.
You can take hope
And you can take heaven,
But not simultaneously.
Our footprints don’t remain long behind us.
I’m not all that you wanted
But I’ll be all that you need
For the day, the night
And everything in between.
You said you’d rather see the devil in its true form
Than embodied in the deeds of men and boys.
Don’t wish these worries dead,
Prefer them unborn;
This isn’t silence,
We’re just waiting for noise.
I’m not all that you wanted
But I’ll be all that you need
For the day, the night
And everything in between.
Yes the book of my life is second hand
But what Fate annotates can never be erased.
How long will I stay?
As long as I can stand.
Always, always, always.
I’m not all that you wanted
But I’ll be all that you need
For the day, the night
And everything in between.
